Countdown: 11 days
I've been having a fairly difficult time in the last week or so. I've been thinking about (as usual) what I should do and what interests me. In the course of this, I find that if I look back at my life, nothing really stands out. Overall, there is no strong sense of accomplishment or fulfillment. Pretty rough. Also, I find that I haven't got a 'core competence'. Ie. something that I specialize in and know inside out and can bring to the table to any venture that I join or start. There are some small things like good written communication in English (which is what I am going to be using at Timbaktu), but that seems hardly enough ya ? I've not gone in depth enough in whatever I've done and learnt. Bluntly -- pretty sad.
Well, this is kindof why I'm doing this sabbatical thing, so -- bring it on. Open that can of worms.
There are a few things that I now feel are important and that I should use to help me navigate going forward. One is the things above -- I should do things that I feel really good about and I should structure it to get a sense of accomplishment. Then, I should find a way to dive deep instead of scratching the surface. I don't know how to do this, in the past I've just run into a wall when I try to push deep enough and I don't know what I did wrong or how to have a breakthrough. Related to the above is some thinking around 'problem solving'. I'm bad at problem solving, and occasionally I get very frustrated because I feel I'm sinking in a sea of unresolved issues. The only way to break the impasse it seems is to give problems a lot of importance as soon as they arise and prioritise and focus on them and solve them. Whereas usually they get lost in other seemingly urgent tasks or distractors and they keep hanging around the background. At another level, problem solving is a highly satisfactory and fulfilling process. So more reason to take it on. At yet another level -- whatever I want to do in life either in social work type things or other things -- it seems the only way to do it is to find some particular problem and just work at solving it. Otherwise things become too diffuse and you can't measure progress or see results etc. So find some problem, and get to the essential heart of it and solve it there and move on. It sounds so fine in theory.
I'll stop here on this thread. May not blog too much for the next couple of weeks, while things wind up at work, and while I work my way out the funk triggered off by the reflections above.
Endnote - I've been occasionally thinking of starting another blog around books and movies. Never mind the question of readership (will all two of you'll reading this blog be interested in that other one ?). I read a lot and see a fair amount of movies and in both cases, I feel I'm an expert in judging the quality and occasionally get a lot of satisfaction from discussing or expounding. However plain reviewing books/movies sounds dull and I would get sick of it myself. So I'm not sure how to structure it. One thing I would like to do is answer questions from people (how is this book, what's an interesting book I can read on xxx topic ?). Dunno how many people would have questions and be interested in my answers. The other direction would be a highly interactive thing with many people all writing in the blog (group blogs are doable on blogspot and it should be a lot of fun). Anyone interested, please say so.
Ciao amore.
11 comments:
quote - In the course of this, I find that if I look back at my life, nothing really stands out. Overall, there is no strong sense of accomplishment or fulfillment. Pretty rough.
Don't sell yourself short. You're viewing the glass as half-empty. Take a look back at your biography and you'll see some remarkable achievements. It does not all need to tie into some unified whole. Isolated achievements such as building toilets for the village people, helping me through the most difficult time in my life, helping Rajini pass her BEd exam, etc, etc, etc all count. By some peoples standards, if you did nothing at all worthwhile from here on, you'll still be ok.
quote - Also, I find that I haven't got a 'core competence'. Ie. something that I specialize in and know inside out and can bring to the table to any venture that I join or start.
Yeah, sure, but how many people do? You have a strong interest in social service. I saw that first hand when we did that tsunami thing together. It seemed second nature to you. I just wasn't as much into it as you seemed to be. I also was thinking the other day, you could consider writing a humorous column in a newspaper or magazine on your experiences in the US etc. Other anecdotes that growing kids might be influenced by. I don't know how hard it is to get a part time job doing something like that. Also, from first hand experience, you have excellent teaching skills. No one got me to understand velocity, speed and acceleration like you did. So, try to explore teaching at some level.
It seems to me you are thinking too much (and this is an understatement). It's a genetic thing. I should know. I predict that this sabattical may be much more difficult than you anticipate. Suddenly many, many questions will come up and there will be many insecurities and empty feelings. Hopefully, you're grounded enough that it will not effect you too much.
I'll stop with this as these were my immediate thoughts. More later.
Some immediate thoughts.
( a ) What measurements convince you that you have not accomplished anything.
( b ) Why are these metrics appropriate
( c ) What is stopping you from gaining ground using these metrics.
( d ) Do you think it is even possible to lay down a set of metrics that are bound to be consistent over a long period of time. When you were young, academic excellence was a large part of this metric and this shaped a large part of your life, I would guess. But evidently, that metric does not mean much to you now. So its very hard to have a set of metrics in the first place.
( e ) My view is that you should not worry about these things at all. Points (a) through (d) are for internal consistency with the sentiments of your blog. Thinking too is an addiction and can damaging consequences beyond a point. While I cannot define the optimal point, I feel you are way on the overdoing side. I think you should just be spontaneous and just do what you viscerally feel is apporopriate - so I am happy about your sabbatical for example. I suppose this is quite hard for the analysis paralysis mode, that you and even I, are stuck in. But thats the deal. Stop measuring. Start living.
On another related but side note, the idea of core competence, is at is heart a very capitalist Keynsian idea - society distributes its production along the lines of each persons core competence. You cannot reject capitalism and accept the notion of core competence. I would urge you to accept the notion of core competence - it makes a lot of sense, and accept capitalism as a consequence. BTW, if you accept that society is best served by people aligning themselves with their core competencies, you will accept that excellence in any endeavour is a form of social service. I believe that for the most part.
About your core competence. I dont think you should worry, there are plenty of things that I can think of. I am not interested right now, in making you feel good about yourself. But I will refer you to the following stunning quote from Herman Hesse's Siddharta. When Siddhartha is asked by a businessman what his key skills are he replies - "I can think. I can starve. I can wait."
So chill.
Arvind
Thank you both for your valuable suggestions. I've also been telling Vijay not to think soooooo much.
--BP
Thank you both (and Priya!) for the detailed responses. I want to reply carefully to what you are saying and hopefully not get into just doing an intellectual analysis instead of trying to speak from the heart. Its late in the night here now, however, and I've been trying to sleep more regular hours, so I will put off replying to a little later.
Have a good day.
Vijay
I read this once and thought it was very true.
When one is contemplating oneself, one is rarely dealing in facts.
Was it Aristotle?? I don't know, some famous philospher.
A poet close to my heart, with whom I can easily identify, said "Thank you O Lord for not making me an achiever, for what greater vanity there is than to achieve."
You can find these and other lines at despoki.net->friends work->My Sweet Lord.
A poet close to my heart, with whom I can easily identify, said "Thank you O Lord for not making me an achiever, for what greater vanity there is than to achieve."
You can find these and other lines at despoki.net->friends work->My Sweet Lord.
quote - I am not interested right now, in making you feel good about yourself.
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got a chuckle out of this one. Aww.... come on Arvind, it ain't gonna cost you nothing :-).
Sajini -- thanks for pointing out some of the cool things that I've done, which I've forgotten about. Here are some points:
--Some things like helping you out at some point, I feel are very cool and I 'added' real 'value'. So perhaps I should think some more (here we go again!) along that path and see if this is my real strength and potential, and I if should focus on these areas.
--Some other things like building toilets in villages: finally the goal is to make some kind of meaningful difference to people's lives. When one spends some time in the social work area you see the complexity and intractability of the real problems. Building a school toilet is a pretty valuable thing if done properly and if its maintained properly. But basically in this case, my feeling is, measured against my own criteria of bettering peoples' lives its nowhere near meeting the criteria. This is a long discussion so perhaps some other time, and best done in person.
Re 'core competence' -- actually lots of people do have a core competence. I wasn't alking about something very fancy, I was referring to the everday job that people learn to do. Your core competency is veterinary health -- if you came across a sick animal, basically you would be able to
do something about it. My great disappointment is that I just haven't built up something like
this. Partly this is because of switching too many fields. In computers -- if someone were to
need someone who could 'manage a QA team in a networking or web technology in a structured
and process-oriented environment' I could do it (and be paid very well for it). But if someone
asked me to fix their computer at home which isn't working, I would be stuck very quickly. I find that really bad. Regarding some of the other points -- being interested in social service is different from having a core competence in social service. If anything that is the issue: why didn't I start doing something I was interested in (social service) early enough to develop depth in the field. The same logic applies to writing or teaching. Anyways -- the point is, now I am giving myself the opportunity to start now and build up a core competence.
To be easier on myself, probably I have some core competence in management, and I can leverage that
in whatever I do.
As you say, insecurities and issues will come up and hopefully I will be grounded enough that it won't affect me too much. But I feel its very good to have to face up to these insecurities,
it'll make me a better person.
Now coming to you Arvind:
the point is that I want to be able to feel good about what I'm doing and what I've done. Different
people will do this in different ways. Highly analytical people may set themselves some goals and
internalize these goals deeply so that they feel really good when they achieve them. For me when I
look back I want to get a good sense holistically about what happened, and that's how I evaluate. And I don't get it. So that's what I'm trying to figure out. Talking about academic excellence. When I think
about it I don't get the the above holistic feeling about doing well in IIT JEE, which is the high point of my academic career. One of the threads I can trace this to, is that I was working partly from a strong instinct of self-preservation (job security), and that my single minded focus on the exam didn't allow me to develop
other important aspects of my personality. I was working as much from fear as joy. I also took on great feelings of pressure, and was miserable for large portions of the time. So overall it was not a 'high quality' thing. Its basically on these lines that I have problems with all the other stuff I've done: holistically they are just not 'high quality' stuff.
I was using 'core competence' in a particular way : that one should get pretty good at doing something over the course
of one's life. This should naturally happen if you are doing something you like and applying yourself with discipline.
The connection with capitalism is tenuous, and anyway is not very relevant to my point.
The notion that excellence in any endeavour is a form of social service is an elegant and deep one and I basically agree
with it. But I feel that as you do something for a length of time you will unfailingly run into some uneasy things at
some point. Whether you are able to respond to these issues courageously and imaginatively to it, is the crucial test.
Otherwise you could be excellent but still not meet the 'real' standard of excellence (shall we say dharma). Couple of examples: someone I know (just keeping privacy here) was very disturbed by how the higher management in her organization responded to some 'naive' questions she had. How one responds in a such a situation when your interal value compass seems out of sync with your organization is a pretty defining moment. Another example: In India, I feel you are hit with this all the time: you are doing your job but there's a world just outside the window that is in terrible shape. So to be in dharma you have to respond to the world outside. Its not enough to just do your job.
And Priya: well, I dunno :-). I'm not going to be able to be able to give up thinking anytime soon.
Re-core competencies:
You did not really have much choice in choosing a profession. In the environment we grew up in, we were basically stream-lined into medicine or engineering and that was it. Imagine the response you would have had if you said you wanted to go into social service considering all those good grades you were making in maths and physics. Most of us chose professions based on the circumstances. Vet med was definitely not my calling. Kids in this country grow up wanting to be vets before they choose to go to Vet school. Some where along the way in school luckily for me, the love and compassion for animals did develop. I actually love teaching immensely and science (I've become a curious kind). And I apply that in my profession everyday. I spend more time educating clients than most vets do, and I spend more time teaching technicians the underlying basis for what they are doing. I get more reward from the science/discovery and teaching than I get from actually caring for animals (shocking but true...)
I hope this is somewhat relevant to the discussion but my basic point is we did not have too many choices, one thing kind of led to another. And when life gives us lemons we need to make lemonade :-)
quote - And Priya: well, I dunno :-). I'm not going to be able to be able to give up thinking anytime soon.
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No one is asking you to give up thinking. The key is - thinking tooo much :-)
Actually, I'm doing quite fine. Writing the post itself helped a lot as it got things off my chest. I think I sounded more overwrought than I actually was. These are things that I wrestle with fairly often, its not that new. I think the statement:
OUR MAIN BUSINESS IS NOT TO SEE WHAT LIES DIMLY AT A DISTANCE, BUT TO DO WHAT LIES CLEARLY AT HAND.
is completely true and next to impossible to follow.
Regarding your previous post -- Its great that you're getting into educating your clients and your technicians. I think these are really useful things to do. Congratulations.
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